A positive distraction

I may have had relationships and also almost relationships before but I never feel as consumed like now.

My relationship now is unlabelled. “Friends with benefit”? – too harsh and an understatement for my feelings.”In a relationship”? – he never acknowledge me as his girlfriend no matter how I teased him to. He’s way too specific not to commit to such labels.

Still, one thing I know. I’ve always made my feelings known and I’ll give him anything within my means to support him. Including his debt. Yes, debt.

I was reluctant at first but love overwhelms many things. I want him to stabilise himself as soon as possible so we could think about us. No more solely his dream or mine , but our dream. I want us to plan and build our future together.

Nonetheless, his focus is definitely on his work and debt. Me? I was so focus on wanting him that I stopped building myself. I missed him so much and spent so much time trying to figure out how he’s doing, who he’s meeting, how deep his love for me etc. My thought revolves around him. It wasn’t intentional. I was deep in adaptation problem at work too.

I transfered to another workplace. We’re divided by a vast ocean. Keeping an “unlabelled relationship” is a daunting task. Managing changes at work is taxing. My only relief is him. He keeps a pleasant relationship but we didn’t go deep. Mostly, he couldn’t afford to.

I’m trying my best to enjoy the moment now. Marriage is far from my destiny no matter how much I want it.

I bickered with him twice. One was  out of my jealousy. Second was out of his frustrations at work and he could no longer lent his ear for my problem at work. However, I spun the second situation as an eye opener.

I shall tackle my own problem. He’s not my boyfriend so he’s not obliged to listen to my whines. I fell for him and I’ll continue loving him. I’ll support him but I must build myself. It’s time to recreate the best version of me.

I need to be more confident and independent. I may found happiness in him but it shall not be the only way. I need to be positive about this change. I need to believe in God more. If it’s meant to be, it is. We fight for what matters and it’s not solely the relationship.

I need to :

1) read more

2) write more

3) learn something new

4) finish my work with the best quality

5) get fit

I give myself 20 weeks transformation! Here it goes!

 

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memorizing alif lam mim

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I feel like I am indeed one lucky woman!

New Spirit

I have found the person.

The muse.

The igniter of my fire

He may dismiss me as normal friend in the end

I have to be prepared

Let the time reveal our fate

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Rhinoceros Hornbill.

I have become even more lonely. 

Yes. I said it. 

Lonely,

I long for that special someone for a very long time. 

I gave myself few chances. 

I tolerated few undesirable sentiments. 

Yet I failed. The sentiments were there to protect me. Ignoring them would harm me. 

I’m not at all high and mighty.

I simply look for that special thing in someone’s head and someone’s heart. 

Call me choosy.

I believe I have the right to protect myself. 

 

Hilang

 

Jauh. Kian jauh.
Mana perginya cerita?
Mana indahnya bahasa?
Puitis lagi kritis

Benarlah kata ilmuwan
Bakat boleh diasah
Jua bisa punah
Bila ilmu dilupakan. Disisihkan.

Nota: Tulisan ini mengambil masa untuk disudahkan kerana penulis asyik memadam, menyusun dan mencari perkataan yang hilang dari perbendaharaan kata penulis sendiri.

Personal for personal sake

I might be closing this one soon. I don’t know.