Rhinoceros Hornbill.

•September 15, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I have become even more lonely. 

Yes. I said it. 


I long for that special someone for a very long time. 

I gave myself few chances. 

I tolerated few undesirable sentiments. 

Yet I failed. The sentiments were there to protect me. Ignoring them would harm me. 

I’m not at all high and mighty.

I simply look for that special thing in someone’s head and someone’s heart. 

Call me choosy.

I believe I have the right to protect myself. 




•July 15, 2013 • Leave a Comment


Jauh. Kian jauh.
Mana perginya cerita?
Mana indahnya bahasa?
Puitis lagi kritis

Benarlah kata ilmuwan
Bakat boleh diasah
Jua bisa punah
Bila ilmu dilupakan. Disisihkan.

Nota: Tulisan ini mengambil masa untuk disudahkan kerana penulis asyik memadam, menyusun dan mencari perkataan yang hilang dari perbendaharaan kata penulis sendiri.

Personal for personal sake

•April 27, 2012 • Leave a Comment

I might be closing this one soon. I don’t know. 

Liberated yet suppressed.

•March 7, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Wherever I go. I feel like it is not my real place.

In other part of the world, Islamophobia abounds. Though I have managed to live 4 years abroad and created good relationship with other people regardless race or religion, I still fear for the Islamophobes out there.

It doesn’t bother me before, really. Because I was confident that I can do anything if I posses the right skills and good attitude for it.  My good work does not depend on a piece of cloth. Seriously, in this modern day why should we make a fuss over someone’s look while the jewels are right within? Image is important, I agree but any image as long as it is modest and clean should be respected. That was how I look at the issue.  However, being misinterpreted in the news http://bit.ly/rlitdOhttp://bit.ly/wChOYO did not help me to voice out my opinion to the world that way.

Later, I realized hijab is a multifaceted issue. What seems so simple, seems so easily adopted by me and fellow Malaysians as early as 6 years old,  is not actually that simple.  It’s not a simple cloth. Most thought of it as a religious symbol,  while others claimed it is culture who made us wear it. In my hometown, hijab was certainly not the culture pre-Islamic era hence I believe we’ve saved the argument there. However, my simple conviction was not even the tip of the iceberg of the whole Hijab issue. There’s a lot of historical facts, and Quranic interpretations that tell otherwise. Liberal Muslims beg to differ for decades long but they are not heard. Upon stumbling these,  even I have the conflict of why I should wear it.

Back to my hometown.

Liberals are not well-tolerated in the country. In fact, liberals Muslims are not acknowledged by Muslims themselves. The Muslim majority country tries its best to conserve the religion as the one  and only true religion. Sunni  and Shafii is the way of life, mostly. Syiah is wrong. Liberals are nobody. My family for instance, despise liberals.

Being liberal in this country is not much liberating really. I cannot voice out my opinion or true feelings towards LGBT, or in fact any liberal interpretations freely. It’s a deeply homophobic society. My family again, are deeply homophobic.
Many times, I burst to tears alone thinking that I truly don’t belong here. That I can’t possibly live longer here. That I must find my way out. Not later, but immediately.

However, I’m still stuck with not much money so I can’t go away. My family deeply misses me. I can’t go again. I didn’t qualify for masters for now so my study is done. I can’t go away.  I have no jobs, no admiring skills, nothing. I might be selling myself short, indeed I feel like a nobody. Unwanted. I wanted to find job overseas, Islamophobia abounds. Being a veiled woman, it’s just more than obvious isn’t it?  I can’t go anywhere.  I can’t simply go anywhere. I’m a woman. oh yeah, being the object of sex worldwide especially my own country. How would it be safe for me to simply go out ? Not safe not safe. Stay at home. I can’t go anywhere. I have no money, again.  I can’t even plan to go away. I need a job first. Ta da- my sponsor is playing tricks at me for now.

 Just where is my ‘Home’ ?

Radical fears

•January 3, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Smitten by mosquitoes and ants. Baked by the natural ovens.

Those are the physical changes that I had to adapt.

Walking around the house carrying a bamboo stick and machete. In preparation to battle with s**ke if they come. This is the radical fear that I have to face everytime I come home. I have to fight my own phobia.

I have to put up with the homophobic society too. It’s killing me inside.

I have to put up the conservative society too. I’m dying inside. Fearing that my future career won’t be any help.

If I can’t practice my own belief, would I be able to teach the values that I deem is right but wrong for others? Would this teaching career fulfill my soul?

Am I doing the right thing or am I drawing my own doom?

What being a Secretary means to me.

•October 11, 2011 • 4 Comments

10 years back all I knew about secretarial job was just writing letters. Heaps of letters and reports. Hence that justified why back then whenever a secretarial post was offered it was always the case someone pointed out:

In school : “Let’s appoint a girl. Girls are more diligent than guys.” Or,

In college :  “Let’s appoint someone who’s good at writing, and diligent too”

But now in university : “Let’s appoint someone who has more free time and passionate about leadership”

I may not qualify for the former criteria but I do, passionate about leadership.

At this stage, being a secretary does not mean writing letters or emails all the time. A secretary must also know how to delegate work,  how to make good networking with people and above all, must know when to listen and when she/he is required to lead.

There are more portfolio for a secretary out there. You can google all you want. Although to me, I started with zero experience and knowledge. I learned from the very bottom. All I had when I first became a secretary was “my willingness to learn”.  Even now, I’m still learning.

I’m thankful to everyone who has made my secretarial experience successful thus far. It was definitely a rewarding experience.  3 years in the same position did not mean that I hindered myself to progress upwards, it just means that I’m equipping myself better before I start to think of leading on top. Not to mention, I somehow favour the thought of becoming the think tank more than being an icon.

With this, I close my chapter of being the secretary of Wellington UMNO Club.
All that remains are good memories. Thank GOD.

Ps: Back then I wonder why Secretary needs to have the Secretary’s Day. Now I realize, it’s a post worth celebrating.


•September 28, 2011 • Leave a Comment


I’m struggling. To forget and forgo the past.


It’s hurting. It seems healing but the wound keeps reopening.


I’ve been blamed but I know I’m a victim too.


I just hope I’ll get better.