Liberated yet suppressed.

Wherever I go. I feel like it is not my real place.

In other part of the world, Islamophobia abounds. Though I have managed to live 4 years abroad and created good relationship with other people regardless race or religion, I still fear for the Islamophobes out there.

It doesn’t bother me before, really. Because I was confident that I can do anything if I posses the right skills and good attitude for it.  My good work does not depend on a piece of cloth. Seriously, in this modern day why should we make a fuss over someone’s look while the jewels are right within? Image is important, I agree but any image as long as it is modest and clean should be respected. That was how I look at the issue.  However, being misinterpreted in the news did not help me to voice out my opinion to the world that way.

Later, I realized hijab is a multifaceted issue. What seems so simple, seems so easily adopted by me and fellow Malaysians as early as 6 years old,  is not actually that simple.  It’s not a simple cloth. Most thought of it as a religious symbol,  while others claimed it is culture who made us wear it. In my hometown, hijab was certainly not the culture pre-Islamic era hence I believe we’ve saved the argument there. However, my simple conviction was not even the tip of the iceberg of the whole Hijab issue. There’s a lot of historical facts, and Quranic interpretations that tell otherwise. Liberal Muslims beg to differ for decades long but they are not heard. Upon stumbling these,  even I have the conflict of why I should wear it.

Back to my hometown.

Liberals are not well-tolerated in the country. In fact, liberals Muslims are not acknowledged by Muslims themselves. The Muslim majority country tries its best to conserve the religion as the one  and only true religion. Sunni  and Shafii is the way of life, mostly. Syiah is wrong. Liberals are nobody. My family for instance, despise liberals.

Being liberal in this country is not much liberating really. I cannot voice out my opinion or true feelings towards LGBT, or in fact any liberal interpretations freely. It’s a deeply homophobic society. My family again, are deeply homophobic.
Many times, I burst to tears alone thinking that I truly don’t belong here. That I can’t possibly live longer here. That I must find my way out. Not later, but immediately.

However, I’m still stuck with not much money so I can’t go away. My family deeply misses me. I can’t go again. I didn’t qualify for masters for now so my study is done. I can’t go away.  I have no jobs, no admiring skills, nothing. I might be selling myself short, indeed I feel like a nobody. Unwanted. I wanted to find job overseas, Islamophobia abounds. Being a veiled woman, it’s just more than obvious isn’t it?  I can’t go anywhere.  I can’t simply go anywhere. I’m a woman. oh yeah, being the object of sex worldwide especially my own country. How would it be safe for me to simply go out ? Not safe not safe. Stay at home. I can’t go anywhere. I have no money, again.  I can’t even plan to go away. I need a job first. Ta da- my sponsor is playing tricks at me for now.

 Just where is my ‘Home’ ?


~ by littlehobbit on March 7, 2012.

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