Those are the physical changes that I had to adapt.

Walking around the house carrying a bamboo stick and machete. In preparation to battle with s**ke if they come. This is the radical fear that I have to face everytime I come home. I have to fight my own phobia.

I have to put up with the homophobic society too. It’s killing me inside.

I have to put up the conservative society too. I’m dying inside. Fearing that my future career won’t be any help.

If I can’t practice my own belief, would I be able to teach the values that I deem is right but wrong for others? Would this teaching career fulfill my soul?

Am I doing the right thing or am I drawing my own doom?

In school : ”Let’s appoint a girl. Girls are more diligent than guys.” Or,

In college :  ”Let’s appoint someone who’s good at writing, and diligent too”

But now in university : “Let’s appoint someone who has more free time and passionate about leadership”

I may not qualify for the former criteria but I do, passionate about leadership.

At this stage, being a secretary does not mean writing letters or emails all the time. A secretary must also know how to delegate work,  how to make good networking with people and above all, must know when to listen and when she/he is required to lead.

There are more portfolio for a secretary out there. You can google all you want. Although to me, I started with zero experience and knowledge. I learned from the very bottom. All I had when I first became a secretary was “my willingness to learn”.  Even now, I’m still learning.

I’m thankful to everyone who has made my secretarial experience successful thus far. It was definitely a rewarding experience.  3 years in the same position did not mean that I hindered myself to progress upwards, it just means that I’m equipping myself better before I start to think of leading on top. Not to mention, I somehow favour the thought of becoming the think tank more than being an icon.

With this, I close my chapter of being the secretary of Wellington UMNO Club.
All that remains are good memories. Thank GOD.

Ps: Back then I wonder why Secretary needs to have the Secretary’s Day. Now I realize, it’s a post worth celebrating.

I’m struggling. To forget and forgo the past.

Hurt.

It’s hurting. It seems healing but the wound keeps reopening.

Blame.

I’ve been blamed but I know I’m a victim too.

Hope.

I just hope I’ll get better.

]]> http://littlehobbit.wordpress.com/2011/09/28/pain/feed/ 0 littlehobbit http://littlehobbit.wordpress.com/2011/07/02/not-all-is-lost/ http://littlehobbit.wordpress.com/2011/07/02/not-all-is-lost/#comments Sat, 02 Jul 2011 11:08:01 +0000 littlehobbit http://littlehobbit.wordpress.com/?p=262 ]]> I almost lose him. But I got him back.

What a fragile friendship it was

If it were to be destroyed just like that.

Thank you God, for giving me another chance.

He showed me the world.

Then he took it away.

I realized my mistake. I know I’ve hurt him. I hope he knows he hurt me too.

And if this is his plan to make me stronger. Kudos. I’m drowned in frustrations and pains now.

Why Love must hurts?

The real deal is 30 days to uncover the pain.

I will envelope myself with windy, painful struggles for the coming 30 days due to exams and remaining assignments.

Hopefully by the end of June, i will uncover, un-envelope, remove those pains and smile as the time had already passed, successfully. Fingers crossed.

When I was completing my degree, I looked forward to become an honours student.  I’ve seen the excruciations that my friends went through but I looked forward to it anyway. I plead fora chance to be in honours programme.

Now that I’m in the honours-phase, I do look forward for further studies. However, it is much realistic if I concentrate on passing what I’m doing now (of course!) and look forward for a greater life as an educator, in 2012.

There will be a drastic change in my life next year, naturally. I expect that.

However, checking the depressing status of my fellow educators friends on fb are not really helping me to look forward to future. On the contrary to previous experience (looking forward to the painful few stages of studies -graduating, hons ), it’s hurting for me to ponder more about the working life. Sadly, yes. it’s hurting.

I have only once piece of hope that things might be different, some way. At least for me. At least.

Sometimes the most painful things are not the wounds of life, it’s the broken expectation.

I haven’t blogged for awhile but due to an increased popularity I need to update my other blog.

Nonetheless, that blog has become more and more distant to what I really wish to express. It is true, but it might just be a propaganda. A channel for me to project what I think, what I do, but not who I am.

I can’t really whine about my sleeping trouble. My kembung perut. My disgust on Salmon and Bak Kut teh. none. I really can’t. And I can’t really express myself fully in fb either, because I don’t want my family to get worried or people get the wrong impression that I am any less rational.

I claimed myself to be a realist, a rationalist and a liberal. That itself enough to show how I appreciate practicality of things. But sometimes beyond something practical we forgot the essence of things, our own common sense..

I had a weird dream last night.

I dreamt of a map. For treasure hunt. There are paths showed in the map yet I will always bend my ways. It will ultimately reach the same goal, and even at faster speed.

The people who followed the path written in the map however, bedazzled and lost their ways.

I woke up, puzzled.

Now here’s what I found:

Map

To see or study a map in your dream, suggests that your current life path will lead to fulfillment of your needs and realization of your goals. It also indicates that you are set on the path to self knowledge and self discovery. If you have difficulties understanding or reading the map, then it means that you are feeling lost. You are literally still trying to find yourself and figure out where you want to go in life.

I know what I want

but I’m not clear how to get it

In the mean time,

I am dazzled by what I need to do

What is responsibility?

What is love?

I am selfish

I always am

I’m trying hard to be selfless

for my own selfish goal in the future

So I always am

Selfish

But even the selfish me

knows when to be selfless

and cover the responsibilities of others

which goes without saying

Academically, financially

For the hearts of my parents

Though I hardly take care of them in reality

Soon, my dreams would take me

Even further away from them

My selfless me is still selfish in the end

I left them

most of the time

I left everything behind

and I’m afraid to come back

Soon I will

leave them again

I’m just

Selfish.

Who am I then

To talk about responsibility and love.

I simply don’t get their definitions straight by myself.